Nothing too high tone

It's just a piddly squatin' old time country place, ain't nothing too high tone

It's just a piddly squatin' old time country place 

I woke up with a bit of a hangover from the night before. I don’t think it was the 75-cent beers. It was American beer so it wasn’t that strong. I think it must have been the switch to gin later in the evening. I had forgotten how strong the Americans make their drinks. I think my final gin had merely been garnished with tonic water. I lazed in bed for a while, joined by one of the dogs who made himself comfortable on the end of the bed. I dozed for a while and then got up when I heard Gary moving around downstairs. He asked if I was ready for some breakfast. I was. We headed out for a late breakfast to a little place near his. I think we were the only non-seniors in the place. The breakfast hit the spot and I was soon feeling human again.

We started my Texas tour by heading to Fort Worth to take in the historic Fort Worth Stockyards. As we arrived and looked for somewhere to park I got a glimpse of my first proper cowboys. There were two of them on horses a little way ahead of us on the road. I was very excited. We got a little closer and slowly overtook them. It turned out that it was an old man and a woman cowboy. I was a lot less excited. Reality never quite lives up to my imagination. I blame living in the real world rather than a porn film. We parked up and headed into the Stockyards for a good look round. I learned a lot about the history of Texas and livestock but I suspect some of it was bull…

After the Stockyards we walked past the Cowboy Hall of Fame and down the Walk of Fame. It was the Fort Worth equivalent of the Hollywood Boulevard stars. I had never heard of most of them. I took a photo of the Annie Oakley star. I knew who she was. From there we walk up to BillyBob’s. Gary explained that it was the largest honky-tonk in the world. I wasn’t sure what a honky-tonk was and was too embarrassed to ask but I figured I would find out once we got there. It turns out that a honky-tonk is a huge bar that has space for music entertainment. Boy do they have space. The place was massive (yes, yes, everything is bigger in Texas). They had a bull riding room, which is not a euphemism. They only did bull riding on Friday and Saturday evenings so I didn’t get to watch any while I was there. I wouldn’t have been allowed to have a go on the bull either. Apparently you need to have a rider’s card from a rodeo-sanctioning organisation. I don’t even have a full driving licence.

We did a tour round the place and then had a drink. Gary got me a G&T. Having consumed a fair few gins the previous night I paused before taking the first sip. It would either go down a treat or I would spend the afternoon nursing it. It went down a treat. I am a firm believer that my liver is like the engine in a classic car. It is much better to keep using it a little each day to keep it ticking over rather than letting it sit unused and finding it has seized up when you do finally come to use it. We only stayed for one drink and then headed off, passing the world’s largest belt buckle on the way out. I had offered to cook dinner so we picked up the necessary ingredients for roast beef and Yorkshire Puddings at the supermarket on the way home. I think having just spent a week with the family had reminded me of the things that I was missing from back home. I cooked dinner that night and we sat outside on the deck enjoying it. I felt very relaxed with Gary & Duane. It didn’t feel like only my second night with them. It did get me thinking whether my feelings of being at home and getting on with my hosts were reciprocated. I hadn’t had any hosts ask me to leave and find a hotel to stay in so I figured I was doing ok.

  

Ain't nothing too high tone

After breakfast the next morning Gary and I made our way over to the Texas State Fair. We had avoided going the previous day as entry was by two tins of canned goods (which get donated to charity) and Gary said the place would be unbearable. Instead we managed to hit Senior’s Day and there was a queue of people at the ticket booth when we arrived. It looked like a casting call for a remake of Cocoon. The fair was a great place to people watch and luckily Gary was just as bitchy as me so we had a fun time pointing out people to each other and judging. The State Fair lived up to its name. We saw some right states.

We walked around the craft hall seeing who had won prizes for various things. There were all sorts of competitions and some very creative and crafty people in Texas. I burst out laughing at a pillow that had got an “honorable mention”. Embroidered across the pillow was “Good morning glory”. There would be pig racing later in the day so in the meantime I went on the Texas Star Ferris Wheel. It is the tallest Ferris wheel in North America (everything, bigger, Texas). Gary stayed on the ground as he had a fear of heights. What a poof. I prayed for relatively normal people to join the queue behind me as I knew I would have to share a pod with them. I did ok ending up sharing with a regular sized couple and their young daughter, who was very well behaved. The views of Dallas from the top were great.

After my spin on the wheel we walked to where all the food stalls were. Looking at what was on offer I could see why the locals were the size they were. You could basically get anything you wanted to eat and it would be deep fried for you. In addition to signs for normal things that you might get deep fried (like chicken) I saw signs for deep fried ice cream, beer, chicken skins, Oreo’s, bubblegum and even a deep fried pineapple upside down cake. We gave most of the food a miss although I did have my first ever taste of funnel cake. It is deep fried (obviously) and then covered in icing sugar. I shared one with Gary knowing I wouldn’t be able to eat the entire thing.

The Texas Star

From the State Fair we headed into Dallas where I was given a quick tour of the gaybourhood. We stopped in to JR’s Bar and Grill for a drink. Across the road was Sue Ellen’s. I had never watched Dallas (I’m too young, honest) but I got the references. It was late afternoon and the place was fairly empty. We had a drink at the bar and I was introduced to a couple more people Gary knew. He knows a lot of people! While we were sat there a guy came in to talk to some people sat down the other end of the bar. He looked very butch but in a gay way. Big upper body, thick neck, trimmed beard. He had a black poodle in tow, which ruined the butch look. To make matters worse the poodle’s claws had been painted bright pink. I tried to snap a photo but by the time I had got my camera out of my bag he had gone. Not what I was expecting to see in Texas!

“It's just a piddly squatin' old time country place, ain't nothing too high tone” 
Lyrics from A Lil' Ole Bitty Pissant Country Place from the musical The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas