Attention please

May I have your attention please?

May I have your attention please?

After a relaxed Sunday I headed to DT’s to meet Damian and his friends for Sunday Funday. I was on my way there when Damian sent me a message saying he was stuck at work but would get there as soon as he could. By now I felt comfortable heading to DT’s on my own. Since starting my travels I had got much better at being in a gay bar alone but I was certain that there would be some people in there that I knew anyway. I headed in and got myself a beer before heading out the back to the small garden area. Sure enough there were a couple of friendly faces out there and I was welcomed into the group. I managed to remember who everyone was and was introduced to the people I hadn’t met before. I chatted away happily with them until Damian arrived about an hour later than planned. He joined us and asked how I was doing, asking if his friends were looking after me. I said that they had been picking on me as the new boy, hitting me in places where the bruises wouldn’t be noticed. Damian laughed and said what a friendly bunch they were.

We settled in to a seating area out back and as we were chatting away I noticed one of the guys seemed to be constantly glued to his phone, only partly paying attention to the conversation and his friends. Someone made a comment about how he was probably on Grindr. He looked up and admitted that he was but added “I only use it to chat to friends”. It was something that I had heard a few times on my travels from various people. It struck me that even if he was messaging friends he was missing out on talking to the friends he was actually with. Looking back on my travels it had been one of the few constant things that I had seen in gay bars and restaurants across the cities I had visited. I had never given it much thought until now though. Groups of friends stood in a bar or sat at dinner all on their phones, the art of conversation being slowly killed.

I decided there and then that going forward I would make a conscious effort when I was out with friends to leave my phone in my pocket and make the most of the time with the people I was out with. It would be difficult as the devices are addictive and I am just as guilty of using it when I should be paying attention to friends. There is always the thought that you might be missing out on something and while you are busy checking the latest tweets or status updates you are missing out on the life going on around you. The guy still had his phone out even after people had commented on it. I could see his screen reflected in a mirror that was behind him. The photo he was looking at was something only a friend with benefits would send. I thought about saying something but bit my tongue.

After DT’s the group split, some people heading home to have a quiet end to the night while the rest of us headed to The Laird. I got a round of drinks in and was handed four raffle tickets. Apparently with each drink you got a raffle ticket for a draw held later in the evening. We stayed long enough to collect a few more raffle tickets. The raffle draw was a little unusual to say the least. After the first number was called out the lucky winner headed to the DJ to collect his prize. There was a large tombola and it was given a good spin. The guy reached in and pulled out a dildo. I thought that was the prize but it turned out there was a number painted on the bottom of it which corresponded to a prize. None of our numbers were called so I didn’t get to go delve for a dildo. The time came for us to go home I thanked Damian’s friends for being so welcoming before Damian and I found a taxi to take us back to his.

My final day in Melbourne had arrived. I had been messaging the cute guy from the Australia Day party for a couple of days and the messages had turned a little bit flirty to say the least. We had been trying to find a time to meet up but it had been difficult. He said that he was working but I could always head over to the gym he worked at and we could go get a coffee. I thought “Why not?” so made my way out to him. I arrived at the gym and he was waiting outside for me. There was a slightly awkward moment as we greeted each other, unsure whether it would be a handshake, hug or a kiss. We settled on something between a hug and a kiss. I got a little unexpected workout at the gym and it was very enjoyable. Having a fit guy tell you that he thinks you are sexy when you feel a little out of shape is a real ego boost. After the gym we headed for a coffee and spent a very pleasant hour chatting before saying goodbye, this time both going for a kiss. I told him to give me a shout if he ever made it over to London.

My final evening with Damian was a relatively quiet one. I needed an early night as I had an early flight to Uluru via Sydney in the morning. Damian suggested we head for the cinema as there was a film called The Weekend opening and he wanted to see it. I hadn’t been to the cinema since New Orleans although I suspected that in Melbourne I would not be taking in a frozen daiquiri in a cup that needed both hands to hold it in with me. We queued for tickets and plenty of people had turned out to take advantage of it being half price night. I asked Damian what the film was about. It was about gays, which would explain the high proportion of them in the queue. We reached the front of the queue about 10 minutes later and thankfully the gays ahead of us hadn’t bought all the tickets so we got two for ourselves.

We had time for dinner beforehand so headed a couple of doors down to a place called Trotters. The place was fairly busy but we managed to squeeze into a little table for two. As I read through the menu I realised how hungry I was. My little trip to the gym earlier had meant that I had missed lunch. I decided to have The Little Pig burger, which probably had more than enough calories in it to make up for the lack of them so far in the day. I was a little pig and finished the whole thing. I didn’t need to get any popcorn for the film. We returned to the cinema. We didn’t need to check the tickets to see which screen it was on. We headed for the queue that was 90% gay men. The film was good, a sort of love story between two guys who meet in a gay bar and end up spending the weekend together. It was filmed in Nottingham and I recognised a couple of the places in the film. I had a pang of homesickness. 

“May I have your attention please” 
Lyrics from Pirelli’s Miracle Elixir from the musical Sweeney Todd

You'd have steak

You'd have steak when the job was done

You'd have steak when the job was done

Saturday kicked off with brunch with Damian and his two housemates, Lara and Fancy. I suspect that Fancy was not the name his parents gave to him but I didn’t get round to asking where the nickname had come from. We walked down to a place called Paragon Café. I ordered my eggs, poached, on toasted sourdough and a big coffee. The three of them talked about work, they all work in the same industry but for three different companies, meaning I could sit back and not have to join in until the caffeine had done its thing. When breakfast arrived we were all ready for the food and we ate for the first couple of minutes in a silence that indicated how good the food was. After a while Fancy asked me where in Australia I had been and still had to visit. I set out my itinerary, which would take me through all the states and territories apart from Western Australia and Tasmania. Lara asked me if I wanted to have a look at her “Map of Tassie”. The others laughed but the reference was lost on me. Lara explained. I declined the offer.

After a quiet afternoon I headed in to town to meet Ben, a friend I used to work with. He was over on business with Will, one of the partners from my old department. He had suggested dinner and a few drinks given we had both ended up in the same bit of the world. It would give us a good chance to catch up and it also meant that he could have a bit of different company for an evening instead of having to dine with just Will, which he had had to do on a number of occasions. I had done an away job with Will once before and had ended up in a rather nice restaurant having a somewhat awkward candlelit dinner with him. I hoped it looked like I was out with a colleague rather than people thinking he was my sugar daddy. I had always got on with Will but having spent a lot of time working with him conversation over dinner was a little stifled. He had mentioned a new project that was about to start and asked if I wanted to work on it. I really didn’t want to end up on the project so I told him that I felt I would be conflicted, as I knew the head of litigation on the opposing side. He asked how I knew them and I replied that it was my ex-boyfriend. That met with an “Aaah” and a minute or five of uncomfortable silence before conversation resumed. I had stumbled upon the perfect way of getting out of any projects I didn’t want to work on in the future.

I arrived at Ben’s hotel and the receptionist called up to let him know I was here. We made a beeline for the hotel bar, grabbed a couple of beers and found a table in the corner. He confessed that he hadn’t really had much time to read my blog and asked for the condensed version to bring him up to speed. I let him off for not reading the blog knowing that he had three young children at home so free time was not something he had much of. I gave him the potted history of my eight months to date. After that conversation turned to what I thought I might do once I returned from my travels. I hadn’t really paid it too much thought, intent on delaying any thoughts of work as long as possible. Whilst we were on the topic of work I asked for an update on the office gossip. It was a typical office so the gossip was typical too – people not getting along with each other, the rumours of an affair or two, who was up for promotion and people being upset about recent changes in where their desk was. Plus ça change…

We were joined a little later by Will, who promptly ordered a round of drinks. He was dressed in his suit trousers and a shirt. I said I felt a little underdressed in jeans and a t-shirt. He explained that he didn’t really do casual, his wardrobe consisting of business attire or clothes he did the gardening in. He was only a few months away from retirement and a lot more relaxed than I had ever seen him.  After being asked I gave him an even more condensed (and selectively edited) version of my trip to date. We headed off for dinner, the hotel having recommended a good steak restaurant nearby. Will seemingly survives on a diet of things red – meat and wine. Nothing else. He views vegetables as a decoration and not part of the meal. We found the restaurant, Rare Steakhouse, and were shown to our table. Having looked through the menu I could see why it had appealed. The menu consisted of steaks of various sizes and cuts with a few token other dishes added on. It wasn’t a restaurant you would even consider bringing a vegetarian to and there was one vegetarian option for the main course. It didn’t have a name; it was just called “Vegetarian”. I imagined if you tried to order it some huge alarm would go off and you would be asked to leave. I opted for what I thought would be the lightest starter, a baked mushroom with feta cheese, steering well clear of the pork ribs (available in half or full kilo servings). Main courses were steaks all round and some red wine was ordered, poured and drank. It didn’t take Will long (about half a glass) to give me his thoughts on the office goings on.

The food was amazing although the starter was so big I was feeling quite full before we had even got to our steaks. I was pleased when they said there would be a little bit of a wait for our main course to arrive. That gave us plenty of time to get on to a second bottle of red.  As our main courses arrived – steak, cooked to perfection (medium rare) – I was asked about plans for the future and I said that I wasn’t sure at the moment. Will asked me if I planned on turning my blog into a book and I said that it would be nice if that happened, adding that if it was published I was hopeful that a friend of mine would turn it into 80 Gays the stage show. I don’t know if it was the background noise or me not paying enough attention to listening to the conversation but I thought Will said “That will require a lot of sex changes won’t it?”. I wasn’t quite sure how to respond. “Sex changes?” I queried. “Set changes. Set changes” came back the response. I really do need to get my hearing checked. In lieu of dessert we had a bottle of dessert wine and a coffee.

When the bill arrived I got my wallet out to pay my share but Will insisted on picking up the bill. I thanked him and as we left the restaurant I wished him well for his upcoming retirement, he wished me well for the rest of my trip. I said goodbye to Ben and said that I would hopefully catch up with him upon my return to London. I got back to Damian’s around 10:30pm. Damian was home from work and we filled each other in on our respective days. It was a Saturday night and he asked if I wanted to go out partying. I told him that I was currently nursing a small food baby and it was making me sleepy. I didn’t need any more alcohol and could do with a quiet night after a couple of days of partying. He seemed relieved and we settled in for the evening, putting on a Kath & Kim doy-voy-doy. It was ny-oice, different, un-ewes-yewl.

“You'd have steak when the job was done” 
Lyrics from You Can’t Get a Man with a Gun from the musical Annie Get Your 

Something has changed

Something has changed within me

Something has changed within me

I woke the next morning to find myself on a half-deflated airbed. Either I hadn’t blown it up enough while tipsy the previous night or it had been leaking air in the night. I contemplated trying to snooze for a while but could feel something sticking in me (not like that), something under the airbed, and it made it difficult to get comfortable. I finally got up, lifting the airbed to see one of my trainers underneath. Not quite the Princess and the Pea but not far off. Damian was up and headed off to work so I took myself in to town in search of an internet connection and some coffee. I found a coffee shop and settled myself in to a corner table with a late breakfast. I had a few friend requests from the people at the party the previous day, including one from the cute guy. I sent him a message saying it had been nice meeting him and that I hoped to see him again before I left Melbourne. As I was online booking a couple of trips for when I got to Uluru a friend of mine popped up on Skype so we had a bit of a catch up.

My friend told me I looked a little tired (I think his exact words were “F**k you look rough”) and I explained that it was the morning after Australia Day. They asked me how the celebrations had been and I filled them in on the party I had been to and the people I had met. My friend said it sounded like a soap opera storyline, although people would think it too unrealistic. Our conversation got me thinking, something which I hadn’t done too much of on my trip. I had been so busy seeing the sights, meeting people and having fun that I hadn’t had a chance to take a step back and take note of how I had changed. Before I set off travelling I had only ever met one transgender person before. I would have been nervous about meeting trans women but mainly because I would be worried about saying something stupid or finding myself staring at them without realising. By the time I had been travelling for nearly 8 months I was a lot more relaxed in myself and meeting new people was something I had got a lot better at. My travels have made me realise that, whatever differences people have and everyone has them – nobody is “normal”, that the only important thing is "Are they a nice person?" I struggled to think of anyone I had met on my trip who wasn’t a nice person.

With my breakfast all finished I took myself for a wander round the Museum of Melbourne for a couple of hours before I headed to meet up with Leo for a coffee. He was a friend of Gary, my Texas host, and he and his husband had offered to host me if any of my Melbourne gays fell through. I hadn’t needed to take them up on the offer but wanted to meet them so I could at least say thanks in person. Craig was out of town with work so it was just the two of us. We headed to a place with some outdoor seating, thankfully in the shade. My good intentions of having coffee went out the window when I saw the woman on the next table sipping a refreshing looking cider with plenty of ice. I figured in the heat I needed to rehydrate and with all the apples in the cider it must be one of my five a day. We had a good chat over a couple of drinks before I headed off to freshen up before a Friday night out on the town.

Evening plans started with a little more drinking. A bunch of people from the previous day’s celebrations had arranged to meet for drinks at the Arts Centre so I made my way to join them. It was a warm evening and everyone was outside so after getting a drink I headed outside to join them. I said hello to the people who I had met and was introduced to a couple of other people I had not met before. I felt like I was a bona fide member of their circle of friends and felt like I had known them a lot longer than two days. After a couple of drinks at the Arts Centre we jumped into a couple of cabs, with about as much efficiency as the previous day, and headed to a Vietnamese restaurant called Thanh Nga Nine. It was a regular haunt for the gang and I got the impression that Samm and Karen were frequent diners. Samm called them and managed to get a table for 12 on a Friday night with an hours notice.

Our taxi had arrived first so we settled in at the table while a couple of people went to the bottle shop for some provisions. I spent about 10 minutes looking at the menu without actually reading it. With people arriving, chatting, heading to the bottle shop and swapping seats around nobody was really paying much attention to the menu. It had the potential for taking forever to get our order sorted. Thankfully Samm took charge. After having checked that there were no vegetarians in the group she ordered for us, assuring us that everything was delicious and there would be enough to go round. It made it so much easier and I was grateful that the decision was out of my hands. She was right too, the food was amazing and there was more than enough to go round.

Over dinner I chatted with Samm, Karen and Damian about places that I thought I could live. None of them were native Australians and they gave me their experiences of moving across the world. Having been in Australia for just over a month I had come to the conclusion that I didn’t think I would be able to live Down Under. Melbourne was a great city and I think I preferred it to Sydney but I couldn’t see myself living there. I had enjoyed the places I had visited and the people I had met but Australia felt a little bit small (despite it being a huge country) and isolated. I wasn’t sure I wanted to run the risk of picking up an Australian accent either and having everything I said sounding like a question. 

We followed dinner with a little bit of a tour of the Melbourne gay scene. We started in DT’s and I came to the conclusion that it was actually a second home for most of the gang. We got drinks and stood chatting, minding our own business when some random drunk guy came over to where we were standing and started to dance about. Karen very politely danced with him for a little while. I was just relived that for once the nutter hadn’t made a beeline for me. The dancing came to an abrupt end when the man fell over. He made a half-hearted attempt to turn his tumble onto the floor into a dance move but gave it up as a bad job. Karen shrugged her shoulders and carried on dancing. After DT’s we went to The Laird where the other clientele made me feel relatively young and in shape. I was even out-bearded by the majority of the other people in there. Our final stop of the evening was the Peel. It was a massive club and had a younger crowd. I probably made them feel relatively young and in shape. We partied until about 3am and then headed home. I checked under the airbed for shoes and hit the sack.

“Something has changed within me” 
Lyrics from Defying Gravity from the musical Wicked

Flirt a little maybe

Flirt a little maybe

Flirt a little maybe

I was up early on Australia Day and following my earlier conversation with Bec and her friends in Brisbane I knew what I would be celebrating later in the day. I thanked Kylie for a fun few days in Adelaide with her and her family before being dropped at the airport. I was on my way back to Melbourne, the place where I had started my Australian adventures over a month previously. I was staying with Damian who I had been introduced to by Other Dale when I was staying with Dale. That was the night we had all gone out and triumphed in the pub quiz. I landed on time, dropping Damian a message to let him know that I was on my way from the airport.

I had directions on how to get to Damian’s but when I arrived into Melbourne I found the road the tram I had to catch was closed for a big procession. I decided to try and get to the end of the procession in the hope that the trams would be running further along the line. I had to go against the flow of people, which with a large suitcase in tow was not such an easy task, especially as the crowds were more interested in watching the procession, rather than watching where they were walking. After a minute or so of making slow progress I decided to try pushing my suitcase in front of me rather than pulling it behind me. It made my progress a little quicker as I used the suitcase a little like a snowplough to part the crowds. I only took out one small child who wasn’t watching where he was going. Thankfully I soon reached the end and the road was open. The tram was running and I hopped on.

I had not had any response from Damian by the time I arrived at his. I knocked on the door and was thrown slightly when a woman opened it. I explained that I was a friend of Damian’s. Her response was “Oh yes, you’re the gay who is staying with us”. At least I had the right house and Damian had briefed whoever the woman was. We did proper introductions and I found out she was Lara, one of Damian’s housemates. She invited me in & offered me a cup of tea. I declined and we instantly bonded over a mutual indifference of the drink. She got me a glass of water and we sat in the lounge and chatted for a while until Damian surfaced. He had been out the night before and it had been a late one. He apologised for not being up and ready for my arrival, I told him not to worry. I asked what the plans were for Australia Day and he said that we were off to a house party for drinks and a barbecue. I was told that this was a fairly standard approach to celebrating Australia Day. I asked who was hosting and Damian said it was some friends of his, Sammantha and Karen. He said they were a lovely couple and that they had extended the invitation to me after hearing about my visit, which was very nice of them. Almost as an afterthought Damian added “Oh, and they are transgender lesbians”.

Once everyone was ready we headed up the road to purchase some beers and food to take with us. Lara said that she was going “to do a bucket of cheese”. I was scared to ask what she meant and was relieved when she picked up a large tub of halloumi cheese in the shop. The shop had an offer on “Rim water” (cue much giggling at the sign) and the butcher next door where we got our meat had a deal on “lamb butts”. Once back at the house we were joined by Ryan and after introductions I recounted the tales of my travels to date. I suspected it would be a story well told by the end of the day after meeting lots of new people at the party. We called for a taxi, loaded it with our supplies and headed over to Samm and Karen’s for the party.

I was introduced to Samm & Karen and I thanked them for the invite. Samm said I was more than welcome and any friend of Damian’s was a friend of theirs. Samm got us all drinks and then showed us out to the back garden. There were already about a dozen people there and having made sure the rest of our beers were on ice introductions were done. I knew I would struggle to remember all of the names but committed the name of one of the guys that I thought was cute to memory. The majority of the other people seemed to know each other and were all chatting away. The day was getting hot and soon the back garden was filling up with people as more guests arrived.  After chatting to a few of the people there and telling them my story I needed a bit of a break from talking so I headed into the kitchen to help Lara with her bucket of cheese. It was a good joint effort - Lara sliced the cheese, fried it all, plated it up and gave a good squeeze of a fresh lemon over it. I carried the serving plate out to the waiting gays and took all the credit for it. I made a lap of the garden during which time the plate was quickly emptied. I headed back in to find Lara frying up another batch. She commented on how quickly it had all gone. I said that I had received a number of compliments on how tasty it was and what a good chef I was. Lara took the second plate out.

By the time I headed back out the barbecue was in full swing with Karen taking charge of cooking. I had once had a discussion with some friends as to who is second in the barbecue cooking hierarchy, after straight men. I argued that it would be women. The two women I was with argued it would be gay men. I ended up losing the argument on that occasion and had to do the cooking. I was complimented on having “a neat meat arrangement”. I said that whilst it looked nice and tidy on the barbecue I couldn’t guarantee it was cooked properly. Karen had no such issue on the large gas barbecue she was using. I can see the benefits of a gas barbecue but feel sorry for the generation of children growing up who will never get to toast a marshmallow over the glowing embers and still eat it after accidentally getting ash all over it.

The afternoon was spent eating, drinking and chatting to new friends. It was a scene that would be repeated across the whole of Australia – a group of friends celebrating together, beers chilling in an ice-filled esky, the barbecue going and laughter and conversation filling the air. LGBT people do the same things that straight people do, just better dressed and with a better soundtrack. It was nice to be part of it and I had been made to feel very welcome. I even got to chat to the cute guy for a while. He worked in a gym and it was possible to tell he was fit even without him taking his shirt off. He seemed like a sweet guy so I didn’t subject him to my attempts at flirting and instead we just chatted for a while.

As the party started to wind down a small group of us headed off to DT’s to carry on the celebrations. Trying to get seven tipsy gay men into two taxis seemed to take an inordinate length of time but we were soon on our way. Getting seven tipsy men out of two taxis at the other end when we were close to beer took a lot less time. DT’s was lively when we got there and it looked like a lot of people had been enjoying the day off. I remember we had a few jugs of beer and there was a bit of dancing and singing before we headed back to Damian’s. We got home around midnight which I thought was fairly early until I was reminded we had started at midday. I was awake long enough to blow up the airbed, which I should have done before while sober. Fortunately there was an electric pump so I didn’t have to inflate it manually. I wouldn’t have had enough puff to do it.

“Flirt a little maybe” 
Lyrics from Does Your Mother Know from the musical Mamma Mia