My seat on the train

My seat on the train is booked

My seat on the train is booked

I arrived at Canberra train station ready for my train back to Sydney. I checked my suitcase in, the guard congratulating me on having the case exactly on the 20kg weight allowance. This was more by luck than planning but it gave me a good guide as to how heavy the case was ahead of my upcoming flights to Hong Kong and then back home to London. There wouldn’t be that much room for presents unless I ditched some of my clothes. Having not done any clothes shopping since Portland about four months previous I was getting to the point of feeling like I needed another wardrobe change. I decided Hong Kong might be the place for shopping. I made my way on to the train and found my seat, ready to sit back and watch people get confused by the basic seat numbering system. I had a bet (with myself) that at least two people in the carriage would be in the wrong seats. They didn’t disappoint. One couple, after a lengthy discussion with another couple claiming ownership of the seats they were sat in, turned out to be in completely the wrong carriage. Another woman who had made herself comfortable in the window seat in the row in front of me seemed most perturbed when someone else turned up and pointed out that was his seat. She was supposed to be on the aisle. He didn’t look the sort to give up his window seat and he duly stood waiting for her to move.

Soon enough everyone seemed to be in the right seats, or at least in the wrong seats but not disturbing anyone else and we set off towards Sydney. Not long into the journey an announcement was made that the buffet car was open. The girl in the seat next to me jumped up and headed off in that direction. The speed she left her seat I figured she must have been hungry. She returned minutes later with two lagers. Ok so she was thirsty. Very thirsty it turned out as she got through them in a little over half an hour. It was barely lunchtime. A few minutes after finishing her second lager she was up again and headed back towards the buffet car. There was another announcement over the train’s PA system reminding passengers that there was “a strict two alcoholic drinks per passenger per hour policy on-board”. The girl next to me returned to her seat empty-handed, swearing under her breath. This didn’t bode well for a quiet journey back to Sydney. I put my earphones in and pretended to be asleep before she asked me to go to the bar for her. I think I had met my first proper bogan. I feigned sleep all the way to Sydney.

My last host in Australia was a guy called Matt who I had been in contact with for a couple of months. He had interviewed me for an article on SameSame after my friend Other Dale in Melbourne had emailed one of his friends who worked there and told them about my travels. The initial email from Matt had started “Dear Dean…” which had made me chuckle. Having pointed out that Dean was a 2-inch tall plastic toy policeman I explained that it would be me answering the questions for the article. Afterwards we had stayed in touch and Matt had offered me a place to stay for my final pass through Sydney, an offer I had accepted.

I made my way to his place and rang the doorbell. No answer. I tried again, still no answer. I dug out the message he had sent to double check I was in the right place. I had the right street and the right house number but my third ring on the doorbell went unanswered. Just as I was wondering what to do, a mild panic setting in, I got a message from Matt saying he was delayed but on his way home. I stood outside his place, half perched on my suitcase, trying not to look like a hooker or a homeless person. While I was waiting Dave, one half of Brian and Dave my first Sydney hosts at Christmas, walked by. It was great that even on the other side of the world from home in a city where I knew only a handful of people I could manage to bump into someone I knew. Dave’s opening line was “What are you doing loitering on the streets like a cheap hooker?”

Dave and I chatted for a while, he left and then Matt arrived home. He apologised profusely for being late. I told him that it was fine and not to worry. He explained that he had meant to be home much earlier but someone had driven into the side of his car on his way home. Matt was fine, his car a little less so. It made my journey to Sydney sat next to the bogan seem much less traumatic. We both agreed that we were in need of a drink so after sticking my suitcase out of the way, having a quick shower and change we headed out. There was a little party being thrown in my honour. It was being hosted by another guy called Matt, the editor of SameSame, up on the roof terrace of his building. An invitation had gone out a few weeks before on Facebook and I had felt compelled to issue a clarification. The invitation had me down as “the British guy doing 80 gays around the world in a year”. I pointed out that “doing” actually meant “staying with”. There was a bit of banter from some of the guys so I knew I was in for an entertaining evening. As we headed off I told Matt I would need to stop at a bottle-o to pick up some tinnies on the way over. He didn’t seem impressed that I was trying to speak the local language.

We arrived at Matt’s and made our way up to the roof terrace. Within the space of a minute I had been introduced to about a dozen people and had a large glass of wine in my hand. I apologised in advance for forgetting names, as I knew I would never be able to remember them all. There were the inevitable questions that I could now answer in my sleep – Where have you been on your trip so far? What was your favourite place? Have you slept with all of the people you have stayed with? How did you come up with the idea? Once I had answered all the questions directed at me the conversation moved on and I was able to ask a few questions of my own. It was nice to find out what people did for a living, where they had come from and where they had travelled recently. The Australians seemed impressed that I had made it to so much of their country.

A few more glasses of wine later and I felt like a part of the group rather than an outsider. The music was pumping and something by Madonna came up on the playlist. There was much talk that Madge had just announced that she would be coming to Australia in early 2013 at the end of her latest world tour, her first visit in 20 years. The assembled Australians all seemed very excited. Now, whilst I think she is an amazingly talented woman I was struggling to get so excited about the prospect of seeing her live. In one of those awkward moments where you say something quite loud just as it goes quiet I announced “I don't understand the obsession with Madonna. If I wanted to see a pensioner jumping around slightly out of time to the music and trying to dance I would go home & watch Mother playing on the Wii”. From the looks I got I was lucky not to have been thrown from the roof terrace for heresy. I managed to get through the rest of the night without saying anything else to upset my new friends, thanked them all for a fun night and headed back to Matt’s via a great Thai place for take-out food.

“My seat on the train is booked” 
Lyrics from Back to Limmeridge from the musical The Woman in White

I'm a toy balloon

I'm a toy balloon that is fated soon to pop

I'm a toy balloon

After our Saturday night out on the Canberra gay scene Sunday got off to a sedate start. Gavin had some jobs to do so Rob and I headed out for brunch. We brunched at the Pork Barrel Café, which was just next door to the restaurant where Julie Gillard had been ambushed a few weeks earlier. She had lost a shoe as she was bundled into the car by the security team but despite a good look round we had not seen any stray shoes, comfortable or otherwise. We found a nice table on the patio outside and over a very tasty brunch we chatted about mostly inconsequential things. The one thing that I took away from the conversation was that Rob has a character in Doctor Who named after him, a certain Police Sergeant Robert Lines. Knowing what they can be like with their nerdy devotion to Doctor Who I imagine that Rob is the envy of a whole bunch of gays.

Dean and Horse outside Parliament

After brunch we made our way over to Weston Park. Rob had recently joined the local LGBT choir and they were having a bit of a picnic. As we got closer to the park Rob told me to keep an eye out for some pink balloons. The park was quite large so in order to help people find the picnic spot there would be a trail of pink balloons tied to trees, fences and posts to guide people in. We soon picked up the trail but it looked like they had been up for a little while by the time we arrived. With the heat of the day and the sun they were looking a little deflated. I commented that the half deflated ones resembled slightly saggy breasts and the fully deflated ones looked like used condoms. I am not sure it was quite the look that the lesbian and gay choir were aiming for but it made the two of us chuckle. We parked up and made our way over to where the choir were assembled. I was hoping that there would be no impromptu sing-a-long, which can sometimes happen at these sorts of events. Rob introduced me to a couple of people whose names he could remember, leaving me to introduce myself to the others. We were made to feel very welcome and it seemed like a good way for making new friends if, like Rob, you had only recently moved to a new city.

That afternoon, having collected Gavin, we headed out to the Botanical Gardens for a wander around before having an ice cream and then heading up to the nearby Telstra Tower to take in the views across the city. After a trip back home to freshen up we headed out for dinner. The centre of town seemed fairly quiet, even for a Sunday evening. We ate in a little Chinese restaurant that as a tourist with no knowledge of the city you wouldn’t have spotted. The door to the restaurant immediately led to a flight of stairs down to the restaurant and it was fairly busy. Food was ordered, drinks arrived and as we waited for dinner I asked my hosts about their move over to Australia, which to me seemed like a much bigger life change than my taking a year off to go travelling. They both felt that it was a good thing for them to have done but if it hadn’t worked out or if they missed England they could just move back. They say that you regret the things you don’t do more than the things you do do and this was Rob and Gavin’s philosophy too.

That is fated soon to pop 

The National Carrilon

Monday I had the day to myself as Gavin and Rob were both at work. I got a lift into town with them and had a little route planned out to keep me busy for the day and take in the main sights of the capital. My first stop was the old parliament building which I pretty much had to myself. There was hardly anyone else in the place. After the old parliament I went to the new parliament, stopping on the way over to get a photo of Dean and Horse out front. As I was setting them up on a handy bollard a police car drove slowly past, the window wound all the way down and the driver looking at me with a slightly puzzled expression. I smiled and nodded hoping he would just carry on driving, which he did. My day was taken up with touring parliament, wandering around the National Library, going to the National Portrait Gallery (and failing to recognise the vast majority of the people in the portraits), stopping under the National Carrilon as it chimed out a version of Waltzing Matilda and heading up to the War Memorial.

It had been a very hot day to do a lot of walking so when Rob messaged me to say that he would be done work on time so we could meet up for a beer (or two) while waiting for Gavin to finish work I jumped at the chance. I met him at his office and we wandered to a bar called Tongue and Groove, which despite the name, was not a lesbian bar. The first pint barely touched the sides so I was soon back at the bar ordering a second. Gavin joined us a little while later before we headed home for a quiet night in watching an episode of Sherlock and enjoying a nice home cooked dinner. I had an early night and slept like a log. I was still feeling a little tired the next morning so I decided to have a day chilling at the house, catching up on some writing and some admin that I had been putting off for a while. I also used the time to start to firm up some of my plans for the European leg of my travels, which now didn’t seem very far away at all. Before I knew it the day had gone and Rob and Gavin were back from work. 

We decided to mark my final evening in the city by heading out for a nice meal at a restaurant called Rubicon. It had been recommended to Gavin by one of his colleagues. I had looked at the menu online earlier in the day and was very much looking forward to dinner having already pretty much made up my mind as to what I was going to have. The food lived up to the billing. I started with rabbit ravioli and followed it up with a perfectly cooked (rare) steak, wrapped in bacon served with scallops. After dinner we were handed the dessert menu. I don’t have a huge sweet tooth so it was part of the menu I had not read when I had looked earlier. On the menu opposite the desserts was the cheese selection. When I noticed that the cheeses had been split into types – soft, blue, semi-hard & hard – I got the giggles. Both Rob and Gavin sat shaking their heads in what I hoped was mock disapproval. I was still laughing when the waiter came to take our order. Thankfully Gavin put in my order for me as I was unable to do so, tears streaming down my face. It was a great end to my last night and even just thinking back to the cheese menu makes me smile.

My final morning in Canberra had come round really quickly and it was time for another round of thank you and goodbyes. I had time for a spot of brunch before Gavin dropped me off at the train station ready for me to get the train back to Sydney for my final few days in Australia.

“I'm a toy balloon that is fated soon to pop” 
Lyrics from You’re the Top from the musical Anything Goes 

Like a kangaroo

I feel like hoppin' up and down like a kangaroo

I feel like hoppin' up and down

The next stop on my trip after Uluru was Canberra. I had encountered the same response from every Australian I had told about my itinerary when I said Canberra was on it. They had invariably said “Why are you going there?”. I wasn’t sure why the Australians had such a low opinion of their own capital city but maybe I was about to find out. My trip from Uluru to Canberra involved a plane, a train and an automobile. The flight from Uluru to Sydney was quiet. I was sat on the aisle seat, the window seat of my row was occupied. The doors had been closed indicating everyone was on board and row across from me was empty. As the stewardess passed down the aisle I asked if I could move seats across to the other side. She said that I would need to wait until after take off as the weight distribution of the plane would be thrown off if I moved now. I wasn’t sure how much she thought I weighed but I was certain that even my large frame moving a few feet across the aisle would not be that significant compared to the weight of the 737 we were flying in. I moved after take off and stayed there for the landing too, hoping that my seat change didn’t throw the weight distribution off that much that the pilots crashed into the runway. We all survived the smooth landing and I was given some reassurance that my weight relative to a passenger jet was still within acceptable bounds. I had a window seat for the train ride from Sydney to Canberra so I didn’t have to worry about my weight unbalancing the train and from the train station I got a taxi, the driver not making any reference to my choice of seats for the journey.

View from Mount Ainslie

My Canberra hosts were Gavin and Rob, an English couple who had recently moved over to Canberra. They were friends of Greg, Gay Number 1 in New York. He had seen that I was planning on going to Canberra, had sent them a message and they had agreed to put me up for a few days. I had not met Rob before but I had met Gavin a couple of weeks previously in Brisbane. We had been out for dinner and had got on well in so far as the offer of a place to stay hadn’t been taken back after dinner. The taxi dropped me off outside Rob’s office, where he was waiting just inside reception for me. We chatted for a while as we waited for Gavin to finish work and come and pick us up. I gave Rob a very condensed highlights version of my travels so far, the same one I had given Gavin in Brisbane, to get them both on the same page. Once back at theirs I was shown to my room and told that a drink would be waiting once I had got myself settled in. My settling in consisted of putting my bag down and unzipping my suitcase so I was settled in fairly quickly and soon enjoying a welcome drink with my two hosts. We had dinner at a Thai place called Baan Latsamy to round off my first evening in the capital.

The next morning I was awake and up early. Rob and Gavin had told me to make myself at home so I headed for the kitchen in search of coffee. I found that everything I needed had been neatly laid out on the counter near the kettle – coffee, sugar, a mug and a spoon. They were clearly organised gays. Once everyone was up and ready I was given the itinerary for the day and asked if it met with my approval (which it did). We set off to our first stop – Mount Ainslie and the look out spot over the city so that I could get my bearings and a rough idea of the layout of the city. We parked up and headed to take in the views over the city. It was a great spot to see the whole of the city, which, was rather small. Rob did a great job of pointing out the various landmarks to me. He did such a good job that several other people who were up there also listened to him. A couple of Australians even asked him questions about what certain things were. He made a great tour guide.

Like a kangaroo 

From Mount Ainslie we went to Mount Stromlo, another spot with good views over the city but also a large number of burnt out telescopes, the remnants of a devastating fire 9 years before. We continued our space theme by heading out to the Canberra Deep Space Communication Complex. On the way in was a model of the Voyager 2 rocket with a plaque announcing it was there to commemorate the “encounter with Uranus”. I got the giggles. Rob and Gavin came to see what I was laughing at. They both walked away shaking their heads. After a look round the exhibits we had a coffee and a sandwich sat out in the sun before heading off to the Namadgi National Park for a bit of a hike. On the way over we saw some exotic roadkill including a huge wombat and a kangaroo. Thankfully we got to see some live kangaroos on our hike. Gavin was great at spotting some of the smaller wildlife that dotted our route up to American Hat and back. It was a great hike and by the time we returned I was ready for a quick snooze before we got ready to head out for dinner and drinks.

After dinner at Wagamama (a lovely little reminder of being back home) sat outside in the warm evening air (not so much a reminder of being back home) we decided that as it was Saturday evening we should go try out the Canberra gay scene – all one bar of it. Gavin and Rob had also yet to experience it too so we were all virgins as far as the Canberra gay scene was concerned. We made our way to The Cube, which had apparently recently undergone a revamp. The bar was a decent size, with plenty of seating and a small dancefloor off to one side. The music was fairly loud (although I realise saying this might just make me old) and it was a little on the empty side although it wasn’t even 11pm yet. We got our drinks and then found a spot to sit and judge people. It was another reminder of what it had been like growing up in Sheffield where the gay scene had not been that much bigger. Everyone had to go to the same place – guys and girls, young and old. I suspected that the relatively small size of the gay scene and the city meant that most people would already know each other. It had been the same in Sheffield – you couldn’t start dating anyone without half the gay population knowing about it or pointing out who had already slept with them.

By the end of the evening we had reached a couple of conclusions about the Canberra gay scene. The first was that the bar was not as bad as we had all been expecting both in terms of fellow patrons, music and décor. The second was that no matter where you are there is a strong chance that there will be a group of young straight girls in a gay bar.  Finally we were pleased, for different reasons, we didn’t have to rely on the Canberra gay scene to meet future partners. Rob and Gavin already had each other and I was only in town for a weekend.

“I feel like hoppin' up and down like a kangaroo” 
Lyrics from Once a Year Day from the musical The Pajama Game 

Big-ass rock

Let's find a rock, I mean a big-ass rock

Let's find a rock

My time in Melbourne was at an end. I had done my goodbyes the previous night, as I was off early to get to the airport. I was on the first tram into central Melbourne to get the bus to the airport for my flight to Uluru, via Sydney. I arrived at the bus station just as a bus was pulling out. I had to wait 15 minutes for the next one. I knew that I would still arrive at the airport in plenty of time but my mental itinerary was now thrown out. At that hour in the morning and without a coffee to wake me up I struggled to work out what time I would arrive. In the end it was enough time to clear security and get some breakfast before boarding the first flight. The flight to Sydney was not quite long enough – no sooner had I nodded off for a nap I was being woken up for landing. I had a window seat for the Sydney to Uluru leg and it seemed like we were flying over nothing but red dust for a long time. The place didn’t look completely barren though, which surprised me a little. There were plenty of trees dotted across the landscape too. As we came in to land I got a glimpse of Uluru/Ayer’s Rock. From the air, with nothing else around it, it really stood out. I could also make out the resort, a tiny speck of civilisation in the middle of nowhere. It seemed very artificial and out of place.

We landed at the tiny airport and after a little while the doors were opened for us to disembark. Stepping out of the door onto the stairs the heat hit me. It had been cool and drizzly when I had left Melbourne so I was wearing jeans and a jumper.  It was a little warm in them to say the least. At the bottom of the stairs I stepped to one side to take my jumper off. As I pulled it over my head my t-shirt started to go with it. Thankfully I had been one of the last people off the plane so there was only the air stewardess stood at the top of the stairs there to witness my impromptu striptease. Having rescued my t-shirt from inside my jumper and put it back on I headed into the airport. The airport was very small and there was hardly any wait for the luggage. Outside the airport was a fleet of air-conditioned coaches waiting to take everyone to the resort. I was staying at a place called The Lost Camel and was directed to the first coach for the short journey across to the resort.  

Uluru at sunrise

Once I was all checked in I had a little walk around the resort. There was a supermarket, a couple of shops, a café and a takeaway place called Ayer’s Wok. I did a little shopping at the supermarket and made myself some lunch before heading out for a walk to one of the viewing points. There was a free shuttle bus that ran a route between all the different hotels and the look out point but I decided I would take a walk. I had a map of the resort so knew roughly were I was headed. It was a little further than I expected but I found the spot and got my first proper look at the Rock in the distance. I was looking forward to my tours the following day when I would get to see it from a lot closer. After staying a while taking in the view I set off back to the hotel. It looked like there was a small track leading from the look out point across the scrub. I took a few steps along it and then thought I heard something moving in the grass up ahead. I promptly turned back and took the long route along the road back to the resort just to be on the safe side. Once back I had a swim in the pool to cool down, had some dinner and an early night.

I mean a big-ass rock

Viewing platform at Uluru

I had booked to go on the sunrise tour, which involved a 4:45am pick up. I am not the best in a morning so my alarm going off at 4:15am was not a welcome sound. I resisted the urge to snooze for 5 minutes knowing that I would not wake back up for a couple of hours and would miss the trip. I managed a shower and a strong coffee before joining a couple of other bleary-eyed people in the reception. Our coach arrived and we boarded. The coach was already about half full and we made one more stop. I suspected the final hotel was the nicest one at the resort; they got the last pick up so they got to spend longest in bed. I had a quick look round at my fellow trippers on the coach. It could easily be mistaken for a coach taking us to a casting call for a remake of Cocoon.

We drove for about half an hour or so through total darkness until we arrived at the sunrise viewing area. There was coffee waiting for us and I needed some. I grabbed a cup, and finished it rather quickly, heading off to get a good spot on the viewing platform before it filled up. The advantage of being on a trip with a slightly older crowd meant that I got to the viewing platform quicker than they did. I tried a couple of spots before settling on a place with the view I wanted for my photos. The sun was slowly coming up, behind us, Uluru set out in front of us. It was stunning to watch it slowly change colour as the sun rose. Despite the large number of people on the viewing platform it was remarkably peaceful. It was another bit of the trip where I wished there was someone with me to share it with. Having got some photos I went for a bit of a wander, getting a great photo looking back at all the people still up on the viewing platform. It was spectacular and worth the early start. Once the sun was up we headed back to the bus. The rest of the trip saw us take a walk around the base of the rock before a quick stop at the cultural centre.

  

Kata Tjuta at sunset

Having been dropped back at the resort I had time for a snooze before grabbing lunch and getting myself sorted out for an afternoon tour to Kata Tjuta, the other large rock formation in the area. It was going to be quite a hike and we had been told that we needed to carry two litres of water for it. They were pretty strict too. I had two 750ml bottles with me but they made me get some more. On the drive out our guide, Adam, explained that everyone would walk to the 1st lookout point. From there, if the temperature was below 36 Celsius, then we could walk to the 2nd lookout if we wanted. The guide explained that it was a 5km round trip from the 1st to the 2nd lookout. Adam told us that it had been above 36 for the last two weeks and that meant it was too dangerous to take people up to the 2nd lookout. We were lucky, it was only 34 degrees so we could do the walk. About half the group opted to do the walk, the other half returning to the coach for a driving tour.

The hike to the 2nd lookout was tough. I was pleased they had made me get two litres of water as I got through most of it. I estimated that if I took my pants off and wrung them out then I would find about a litre of the water I had drunk. The views from the 2nd lookout point were worth the effort though and on the way back I got my first glimpse of a kangaroo out in the wild. I wasn’t quick enough to get a good photo of it though. Post hike we waited for the coach to return to pick us up to take us to a spot to watch the sunset. There was some liquid refreshment waiting for us at the spot where we got to watch the sunset. I got myself some wine and grabbed one of the little folding seats and found a spot away from the main group to wait for the sun to set. A woman spotted me sat on my own and came to sit near me. She said that she had seen the size of my camera (not a euphemism) and had decided that I obviously knew what I was doing and how to pick a good spot for photos. We chatted for a while as the sun set. It was another spectacular sight and it rounded off a great day. The drive back was almost in silence and even though it wasn’t that late I was ready for bed when I got back.

“Let's find a rock, I mean a big-ass rock” 
Lyrics from Big-Ass Rock from the musical The Full Monty

Attention please

May I have your attention please?

May I have your attention please?

After a relaxed Sunday I headed to DT’s to meet Damian and his friends for Sunday Funday. I was on my way there when Damian sent me a message saying he was stuck at work but would get there as soon as he could. By now I felt comfortable heading to DT’s on my own. Since starting my travels I had got much better at being in a gay bar alone but I was certain that there would be some people in there that I knew anyway. I headed in and got myself a beer before heading out the back to the small garden area. Sure enough there were a couple of friendly faces out there and I was welcomed into the group. I managed to remember who everyone was and was introduced to the people I hadn’t met before. I chatted away happily with them until Damian arrived about an hour later than planned. He joined us and asked how I was doing, asking if his friends were looking after me. I said that they had been picking on me as the new boy, hitting me in places where the bruises wouldn’t be noticed. Damian laughed and said what a friendly bunch they were.

We settled in to a seating area out back and as we were chatting away I noticed one of the guys seemed to be constantly glued to his phone, only partly paying attention to the conversation and his friends. Someone made a comment about how he was probably on Grindr. He looked up and admitted that he was but added “I only use it to chat to friends”. It was something that I had heard a few times on my travels from various people. It struck me that even if he was messaging friends he was missing out on talking to the friends he was actually with. Looking back on my travels it had been one of the few constant things that I had seen in gay bars and restaurants across the cities I had visited. I had never given it much thought until now though. Groups of friends stood in a bar or sat at dinner all on their phones, the art of conversation being slowly killed.

I decided there and then that going forward I would make a conscious effort when I was out with friends to leave my phone in my pocket and make the most of the time with the people I was out with. It would be difficult as the devices are addictive and I am just as guilty of using it when I should be paying attention to friends. There is always the thought that you might be missing out on something and while you are busy checking the latest tweets or status updates you are missing out on the life going on around you. The guy still had his phone out even after people had commented on it. I could see his screen reflected in a mirror that was behind him. The photo he was looking at was something only a friend with benefits would send. I thought about saying something but bit my tongue.

After DT’s the group split, some people heading home to have a quiet end to the night while the rest of us headed to The Laird. I got a round of drinks in and was handed four raffle tickets. Apparently with each drink you got a raffle ticket for a draw held later in the evening. We stayed long enough to collect a few more raffle tickets. The raffle draw was a little unusual to say the least. After the first number was called out the lucky winner headed to the DJ to collect his prize. There was a large tombola and it was given a good spin. The guy reached in and pulled out a dildo. I thought that was the prize but it turned out there was a number painted on the bottom of it which corresponded to a prize. None of our numbers were called so I didn’t get to go delve for a dildo. The time came for us to go home I thanked Damian’s friends for being so welcoming before Damian and I found a taxi to take us back to his.

My final day in Melbourne had arrived. I had been messaging the cute guy from the Australia Day party for a couple of days and the messages had turned a little bit flirty to say the least. We had been trying to find a time to meet up but it had been difficult. He said that he was working but I could always head over to the gym he worked at and we could go get a coffee. I thought “Why not?” so made my way out to him. I arrived at the gym and he was waiting outside for me. There was a slightly awkward moment as we greeted each other, unsure whether it would be a handshake, hug or a kiss. We settled on something between a hug and a kiss. I got a little unexpected workout at the gym and it was very enjoyable. Having a fit guy tell you that he thinks you are sexy when you feel a little out of shape is a real ego boost. After the gym we headed for a coffee and spent a very pleasant hour chatting before saying goodbye, this time both going for a kiss. I told him to give me a shout if he ever made it over to London.

My final evening with Damian was a relatively quiet one. I needed an early night as I had an early flight to Uluru via Sydney in the morning. Damian suggested we head for the cinema as there was a film called The Weekend opening and he wanted to see it. I hadn’t been to the cinema since New Orleans although I suspected that in Melbourne I would not be taking in a frozen daiquiri in a cup that needed both hands to hold it in with me. We queued for tickets and plenty of people had turned out to take advantage of it being half price night. I asked Damian what the film was about. It was about gays, which would explain the high proportion of them in the queue. We reached the front of the queue about 10 minutes later and thankfully the gays ahead of us hadn’t bought all the tickets so we got two for ourselves.

We had time for dinner beforehand so headed a couple of doors down to a place called Trotters. The place was fairly busy but we managed to squeeze into a little table for two. As I read through the menu I realised how hungry I was. My little trip to the gym earlier had meant that I had missed lunch. I decided to have The Little Pig burger, which probably had more than enough calories in it to make up for the lack of them so far in the day. I was a little pig and finished the whole thing. I didn’t need to get any popcorn for the film. We returned to the cinema. We didn’t need to check the tickets to see which screen it was on. We headed for the queue that was 90% gay men. The film was good, a sort of love story between two guys who meet in a gay bar and end up spending the weekend together. It was filmed in Nottingham and I recognised a couple of the places in the film. I had a pang of homesickness. 

“May I have your attention please” 
Lyrics from Pirelli’s Miracle Elixir from the musical Sweeney Todd

You'd have steak

You'd have steak when the job was done

You'd have steak when the job was done

Saturday kicked off with brunch with Damian and his two housemates, Lara and Fancy. I suspect that Fancy was not the name his parents gave to him but I didn’t get round to asking where the nickname had come from. We walked down to a place called Paragon Café. I ordered my eggs, poached, on toasted sourdough and a big coffee. The three of them talked about work, they all work in the same industry but for three different companies, meaning I could sit back and not have to join in until the caffeine had done its thing. When breakfast arrived we were all ready for the food and we ate for the first couple of minutes in a silence that indicated how good the food was. After a while Fancy asked me where in Australia I had been and still had to visit. I set out my itinerary, which would take me through all the states and territories apart from Western Australia and Tasmania. Lara asked me if I wanted to have a look at her “Map of Tassie”. The others laughed but the reference was lost on me. Lara explained. I declined the offer.

After a quiet afternoon I headed in to town to meet Ben, a friend I used to work with. He was over on business with Will, one of the partners from my old department. He had suggested dinner and a few drinks given we had both ended up in the same bit of the world. It would give us a good chance to catch up and it also meant that he could have a bit of different company for an evening instead of having to dine with just Will, which he had had to do on a number of occasions. I had done an away job with Will once before and had ended up in a rather nice restaurant having a somewhat awkward candlelit dinner with him. I hoped it looked like I was out with a colleague rather than people thinking he was my sugar daddy. I had always got on with Will but having spent a lot of time working with him conversation over dinner was a little stifled. He had mentioned a new project that was about to start and asked if I wanted to work on it. I really didn’t want to end up on the project so I told him that I felt I would be conflicted, as I knew the head of litigation on the opposing side. He asked how I knew them and I replied that it was my ex-boyfriend. That met with an “Aaah” and a minute or five of uncomfortable silence before conversation resumed. I had stumbled upon the perfect way of getting out of any projects I didn’t want to work on in the future.

I arrived at Ben’s hotel and the receptionist called up to let him know I was here. We made a beeline for the hotel bar, grabbed a couple of beers and found a table in the corner. He confessed that he hadn’t really had much time to read my blog and asked for the condensed version to bring him up to speed. I let him off for not reading the blog knowing that he had three young children at home so free time was not something he had much of. I gave him the potted history of my eight months to date. After that conversation turned to what I thought I might do once I returned from my travels. I hadn’t really paid it too much thought, intent on delaying any thoughts of work as long as possible. Whilst we were on the topic of work I asked for an update on the office gossip. It was a typical office so the gossip was typical too – people not getting along with each other, the rumours of an affair or two, who was up for promotion and people being upset about recent changes in where their desk was. Plus ça change…

We were joined a little later by Will, who promptly ordered a round of drinks. He was dressed in his suit trousers and a shirt. I said I felt a little underdressed in jeans and a t-shirt. He explained that he didn’t really do casual, his wardrobe consisting of business attire or clothes he did the gardening in. He was only a few months away from retirement and a lot more relaxed than I had ever seen him.  After being asked I gave him an even more condensed (and selectively edited) version of my trip to date. We headed off for dinner, the hotel having recommended a good steak restaurant nearby. Will seemingly survives on a diet of things red – meat and wine. Nothing else. He views vegetables as a decoration and not part of the meal. We found the restaurant, Rare Steakhouse, and were shown to our table. Having looked through the menu I could see why it had appealed. The menu consisted of steaks of various sizes and cuts with a few token other dishes added on. It wasn’t a restaurant you would even consider bringing a vegetarian to and there was one vegetarian option for the main course. It didn’t have a name; it was just called “Vegetarian”. I imagined if you tried to order it some huge alarm would go off and you would be asked to leave. I opted for what I thought would be the lightest starter, a baked mushroom with feta cheese, steering well clear of the pork ribs (available in half or full kilo servings). Main courses were steaks all round and some red wine was ordered, poured and drank. It didn’t take Will long (about half a glass) to give me his thoughts on the office goings on.

The food was amazing although the starter was so big I was feeling quite full before we had even got to our steaks. I was pleased when they said there would be a little bit of a wait for our main course to arrive. That gave us plenty of time to get on to a second bottle of red.  As our main courses arrived – steak, cooked to perfection (medium rare) – I was asked about plans for the future and I said that I wasn’t sure at the moment. Will asked me if I planned on turning my blog into a book and I said that it would be nice if that happened, adding that if it was published I was hopeful that a friend of mine would turn it into 80 Gays the stage show. I don’t know if it was the background noise or me not paying enough attention to listening to the conversation but I thought Will said “That will require a lot of sex changes won’t it?”. I wasn’t quite sure how to respond. “Sex changes?” I queried. “Set changes. Set changes” came back the response. I really do need to get my hearing checked. In lieu of dessert we had a bottle of dessert wine and a coffee.

When the bill arrived I got my wallet out to pay my share but Will insisted on picking up the bill. I thanked him and as we left the restaurant I wished him well for his upcoming retirement, he wished me well for the rest of my trip. I said goodbye to Ben and said that I would hopefully catch up with him upon my return to London. I got back to Damian’s around 10:30pm. Damian was home from work and we filled each other in on our respective days. It was a Saturday night and he asked if I wanted to go out partying. I told him that I was currently nursing a small food baby and it was making me sleepy. I didn’t need any more alcohol and could do with a quiet night after a couple of days of partying. He seemed relieved and we settled in for the evening, putting on a Kath & Kim doy-voy-doy. It was ny-oice, different, un-ewes-yewl.

“You'd have steak when the job was done” 
Lyrics from You Can’t Get a Man with a Gun from the musical Annie Get Your